Ahhh yes...its been a long time since I last poured out my thoughts and feelings unto something....never thought that I'd actually get into this journal-writing business anyways...so here goes......
its now Feb 10th 2004. many things have happened for the past few months, most notably events that are somehow related one way or another to what I call 'the haunting of my past'. yes, thats right. like any average joe, I'm your typical male who doesn't express his feelings and emotions freely. my anger. my sorrow.my joy and my excitement. these highly intense emotions are kept inside, forever bottled within, never to see the surface of the day. once in awhile, you do get to see the cheerful face or the scowled expression of Imran Hidayat, but the actual feelings that run deeper are never revealed. and yet, no matter how hard I try....no matter how much struggle I had to go through to suppress and forget....there are some things in my life that I had wished to be forgotten, but never could....
yes...my past...a life riddled with embarassing and humiliating moments....it is the very thing that I constantly try to shut out of my mind, and as always it will come creeping out of the corner of my mind, rearing its ugly head somewhat reminding me of the many stupid things I've done. I can't help myself from being such an idiot most of the times. there are things that are just plain ridiculous that I always end up doing. maybe I'm just too impulsive. maybe I'm just too naive. but one fact that remains true is that there are just so many things I did that I'm very ashamed of now when I look back. so many...so embarrassing experiences that it hurts...yes, it hurts...and despite knowing its hopeless, I still try to push away all of those painful memories....pushing them as far as I can so that they may never harm me.....
in a way, you could say that I'm probably living a lie. to be in denial as some would say. just living in the present while forever hiding from my very own past. to pretend that all of those things never happened. all of the joys and excitement kept away w/ the hurtful memories. but then, there comes a time when all of my efforts to push away those painful recollections become futile. a time when everything seemed "more pointless than trying to shoot a spitball at a battleship" as Mick Foley would say. and recently, it came in the form of a person. someone I knew a long time ago. someone whom I had many beautiful and terrible memories with that I wish to escape from. 'the phantom of my past'....
what can I say? she is someone who once gave me a whole new perspective of love. she opened the door that allowed me to explore and fully appreciate life as it is. and for these, I am very grateful to her. I was a lonely, socially-inept boy who grew up to be shy of the members of the opposite sex, but somehow she was able to help me. she gave her hand and helped me from falling into the pit of complete ignorance, saving a lost soul from being shut forever by the barriers that prevent him from enjoying the many beautiful things in life. oh how many wonderful things she's done for me! BUT...alas...I guess it is fated that I could never avoid from being the moron that I am...so many acts of idiocy were involved...so many foolish words were said... and these became the very same type of memories that I wish to disassociate myself from.....
for years I have tried to avoid her. I tried to forget all of the events that transpired, forcing and cornering them into the dark recesses of my mind....hoping that someday they will all be completely buried under the sands of time....I vowed and hoped that I will never face these terrible fragments of the past again...and now...she has returned.....
I'd be lying if I said I never tried to contact her before. I did. numerous times too. but at the same time, I always remind myself to maintain a certain distance. to make sure that our relationship could never go further than what it could or should be. the distance allowed me to make sure that my memories of her are at bay. to at least convince myself that they are something that should be long forgotten. things that shouldn't affect my life in any way. and so, part of me wanted to completely forget her to make things simpler. another part of me also hoped that she would forget me too. you know....just continue on with our lives. maybe contact each other after 10 years or something. an innocent phone call or even an e-mail that doesn't mean anything after we've disappeared from each other's lives for a long time....
but again, needless to say, she has returned.... and for what purpose? I remember becoming a jerk, maybe to make myself cool and impress her or maybe to make my process of forgetting her easier. hey, nobody likes a jerk right? so its only logical that part of her hates me for what I did, no? heck, I became such a snob that I didn’t even talk to her when we bumped into each other. and so, it was only natural that we never actually parted on ‘good terms’ back then...at least that’s what I think...so why now? mustering all of my thinking capabilities, I thought and speculated every possible explanation...could it be...that she misses me? impossible!! how can you miss a complete idiot who was a total jerk??!! its not possible!! I refuse to acknowledge such preposterous notion!!!!
and yet...the fact that she has now come back into a large part of my life still puzzles me... and once more, she brings back that strange pleasant feeling that I once thirsted for... that warm and mystique-like feeling that magically heals your wounds from your everyday sorrows... is this what people call love? no...it cannot be...I have always considered myself to be immune from such emotions...I am a man who managed to survive in this world by suppressing my emotions dammit!!...no wait...I need no emotions at all!!... the idea that I was in love is absurd!!!..no...it can’t be....IT MUSNT BE!!.....
the cycle has started to repeat again... I can’t explain it clearly, but part of me who enjoys her company in my life desires to be with her, but my more rationale side is reasoning....it is concluding that this, like before, must end...that her current presence is going to break that forbidden seal which keeps those unwanted memories away...and I will not allow myself to be haunted by the ghosts of the past ever again...those horribly embarassing moments.....never shall I face them again!! NEVER!!!!
but somehow....another part of me is telling me that my haunting past may not be the sole reason why I'm thinking of being distant with her. I don't know why....is it possible that I'm scared? but of what? why?? it shouldn't happen to me!! could it be....that I'm afraid that she is someone out of my league? that she is perhaps better than me in many ways? perhaps she has high expectations from me. standards that I may never live up to....and knowing that I can never possibly match up to her, could this possibly be the single, biggest threat to my own ego? these are questions with answers that I may never know for sure....
man...I really hate this.....it has to stop...I really don't give a fuck anymore about what people say or think….this sudden feeling of insecurity which is possessing me is too much...its too confusing....too complex...it may even jeopardize my studies...I can’t take it no more....maybe this current problem with my memory is even tied to this mess since I'm actually having difficulty sleeping (your sleeping behavior is said to affect your memory)....
maybe I could end this better than before...maybe she could at least remember me as just another old friend of hers from a life that was so long ago...no emotional strings attached...no special bonds...no beautiful or ugly memories...maybe this is after all, the best way there is for the both of us....isn’t it? I’m sorry that I’m going to have to take the coward’s way out but I believe that I have no other choice... and if I have to feel this same feeling and go mushy again, I’ll definitely go insane.... because in the end, I always knew the reality that "some things are just not meant to be"..... and so, I bid you adieu...my ‘phantom of the past’.... perhaps someday...some other place and some other time, we might again....
“The season has announced its end, Dreaming at the colorful memories, Oh goodbye! The one who has brought love along, Appearing at the back of my eyes......”
