It’s been awhile...but I’m finally back to my old self. though I appreciate all of the advice/tips/some display of sympathy I received (albeit the fact that I hate to be sympathized) but I guess drugs, sex, or any other method of consolation during my time of depression weren’t exactly the solution for the problem I had. I don’t know...the answer probably lies somewhere else... I have no fucking idea...but for the time being, after giving much consideration, I guess I’ll just have to ignore it for awhile. if God willing, I’ll probably find the answer I need someday...somehow...
I’ve been walking a lot these days. apart from sleeping, it’s the only other thing which gives me an opportunity to rest my mind and reorganize my thoughts. so many things pondered. so many reasons & explanations considered. a week has already passed since the summer classes started and although I’m still trying to keep up with the incredibly fast pace of the short semester, I try not to repeat the same mistake of putting too much pressure on myself. although I’m now a bit relieved, I still couldn’t forgive myself for what I’ve done. ppl say to err is human. but the cost of my foolish mistake was too great. I still can’t believe so much time and energy have gone wasted. still, I’m mustering and rebuilding what was left of my shattered confidence to continue...
about a month back, just about a few weeks before the Finals (if I’m not mistaken), some guy jumped from one of the buildings on campus(no, he was not trying to imitate Superman). fortunately (or should I say unfortunately?) the guy survived the fall and broke his legs. now personally I used to think that ppl who commit suicide are idiots. these cowards just couldn’t take the harsh challenges of life, so they just opt for the easy way out to escape all of their troubles. not to say that I thought abt committing suicide or anything (hey, I’m not THAT desperate for a quick solution to my depression), but after what I’ve been through, maybe I understand a bit what it feels like not to have any more purpose/ sense of direction in your life, hence a possible explanation why some ppl decide to meet their own demise. maybe for those without faith and strong beliefs, when all seems lost, life suddenly becomes devoid of any meaning. I mean, what’s the point of living anyways if you’ve lost all possible hope of pursuing a goal in life? perhaps that explains why euthanasia might not be bad after all...
during my many recent sessions of deep thinking, I’ve always asked myself what does it mean to live and to die. for some, life is a matter of enjoying every single moment while you can. it really doesn’t matter whether you succeed or fail, it’s all abt experiencing the joys of living. for those who commit suicide, they probably think that death is a way of expressing extreme dissatisfaction with life. that existence is pointless. for me? maybe I’ll say that I only live because I have duties to perform. a responsibility to carry out. so I fucked up. abandoning my pursuits after suffering the pangs of failure is still not an acceptable excuse. I have no one to blame but myself and I have to accept it like a man dammit!! I guess I’m grateful that despite having lost hope and confidence (even if it was for a short period of time) I realize that I still have way too many obligations to fulfill... promises to keep...a major bet to win...an old score to settle... and people to return to...and those things alone are enough for me to keep going...
oh well, I never believed I’d sulk forever like a wussie anyways. I’ve been playing Warcraft with the fellas, honing my Yu-Gi-Oh! TCG skills and I’ve already gotten myself a new fishing rod for the weekend trips to the local lakes. all to forget those troubling thoughts. I have to admit that I’m still pissed w/ myself but maybe that anger will somehow make my determination to survive/succeed stronger. back then, I thought what I was going through was shitty as hell and everyday I woke up feeling as if I was dead. just living without hope and purpose like an existence which borders between life and death...totally meaningless...but not anymore. at least most of the pain are gone. the scars are still visible, but I should be fine. and although it sucks, at least what I went through gave me a chance to reevaluate myself... gave me some time to properly rethink and reassert the priorities of my life. and now I think I’ve regained some focus. a goal to reach in my mind. I’m determined and I’ll be damned if I let myself down again. as an old friend of mine would say...
“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil....as now I’m the meanest mofo in the valley...”
