I’m burned out. the Spring semester’s finally over. gone are the exams, assignments, sleepless nights of studying...and yet my mind is still not at ease. for some reason, I’ve been extremely sleepy for the past few days and yet, each passing slumber still does not provide me with the comfort or rest that I seek. I started suspecting that uncertain uneasiness about a week before the Finals and I tried to dismiss it, completely ignoring and assuming it was just something trivial and unimportant, messing around with my mind for awhile. until it was too late. the Finals came and I was caught off-guard. despite the studying and all, something was amiss. what? I don’t know. and boy, it did cost me a lot. everything was a complete screw up. though my rational side still refuses to accept it, part of me is already toying with the idea that I’ve already failed. crap...I’m already done for...
something has clearly been bugging my mind. I’m not sure when it began and what it is, but I suspect it all started about a month ago. my mind is currently in a state of complete disarray and my thoughts disorganized. I don’t know how to describe it, but I feel “hollow”. there is this great emptiness within. I’ve lost my appetite. I’ve lost my passion for the things I usually enjoy. I can’t sleep. I can’t even concentrate even the simplest tasks. heck, I think I may have lost all interest in studying at all. what the hell is wrong with me? what is going on? perhaps, if I could find the answer maybe I could remedy this whole situation. maybe I could finally stop worrying when a solution appears before me. but alas, no matter how hard I’ve thought about it, all of my efforts until now are to no avail...
and then I look at the others with envious eyes, looking at how happy and relieved they are now that the semester’s ended. somehow, I feel that it was still not over for me. something is still clinging on to me. some troublesome, unfinished business. dragging itself along everywhere I go. causing a seemingly perpetual cycle of frustration and depression, plaguing my mind like a disease. and it pisses me off that there’s nothing I can pinpoint to. no one to point a finger at. no possible reason or explanation that I could come up with. I’ve always believed myself to be a man who relies more on his own rationality more than anything else to overcome the obstacles and hurdles in my life and now...it seems that my ‘trump card’ has failed me. I always thought that no matter how distressing a problem may be, there was always some logical, rational answer. but now...nothing...
when I look back at all of the events that transpired during the course of the previous four months, I still couldn’t believe how I could I end up in the slump I’m in right now. I thought I had it all worked out. everything was supposed to be going as planned. and now...it’s all hopeless. and it all started sometime in April. yes, it has to be. there could be no other explanation. it was a time when the workload was piling up. many assignments to be done, readings to complete, quizzes to study for. oh, and the website group project. maybe that was the catalyst. the starting point when everything seemed to be going downhill for me. yes, perhaps that was it...
it was during sometime in April and we were assigned to create a website for our Technology class. it was meant as a group project, and I was supposed to complete it with 5 other hopeless Americans. at that time I just got myself used to the Dreamweaver program, creating relatively simple html files with ease. we were given two weeks to finish it and while I saw the progress of others in completing their websites, my teammates were useless dickwads who not only didn’t show up for meetings, but they didn’t even know what to do until it was already 5 days away from the deadline. idiots. to me, I never cared for these kind of people. selfish it may be, but once I sense that a person is holding me down from my own progress, I’ll just leave him/her be and pursue my own goal by myself. I don’t care. I am just that kind of person. so I decided to take matters in my own hand. I thought to myself that at this rate (being only a few days from the deadline), the only person I could only rely is myself. starting from scratch, I shut myself in the apartment for almost a whole week and started planning and designing the website. I thought the whole thing was going to be easy. I mean, it’s just a website right? using Dreamweaver, it shouldn’t be a problem. it shouldn’t be...
and so, I had to learn it through my own painful experience. since the early symptoms of my journey to the valley of failure had already begun to show up, I was already having problems with my studies since early of April. I skipped several Technology classes and because of that, I had to do a crash course in web designing by myself in 3 days to finish the whole thing. fuck. all of those nights watching the computer screen, doing some coding and then sleeping for a few hours before waking up only to face the monitor for another grueling day of web designing. I skipped all of my classes that week. sure, call it a bad judgment from my part but I was dedicated and sure as hell that I was able to complete the thing in 5 days. 5 days...bearing the burden of 5 other people...by the time I managed to complete the goddamn thing, I was already burned out. I was already exhausted...sapped all of my physical and mental stamina to continue another week before the Finals, and from there onwards, everything just went down the hill...
I guess, the time I decided to do everything by myself and not rely on others was a clear proof of my lack of trust in people. I thought about it for some time and now I’m pretty darn sure that I have a problem with trusting anyone in my life. hell, I even have doubts of my own family members. especially my siblings. I learned from my high school days and the constant fights with my brother and sisters that you can never truly trust another person, no matter how close you may be with him or her. I mean it’s only normal...you’re friends one day, and enemies another time. best friends revealing horrible secrets, close associates backstabbing one another, former colleagues bashing each other, roommates quarreling...it happens all the time. I remember one time my younger sister told me that my dad always thought I was a “naïve” person. someone easily conned. someone easily tricked. easily duped. and I knew that it was true. WAS true anyway. because over the years, I’ve learned that I must always keep a few cards hidden up in my sleeve. I can’t easily trust anyone hence, I am forever struggling to make sure that I have the upper hand, some hidden strategy, to have ways for a come back even in the most dire situations against anyone who threatens me. perhaps, those who know me as a devious, crafty person who is always up to something can finally understand why I am what I am. and I guess it can’t be changed. maybe forever. no matter how close a person may be, I’m always watching with cautious, suspicious eyes. at any time, should anyone tries to stab me from behind in the future, I’ll be ready waiting...
call me a paranoid. a freak. whatever the fuck you want. I perfectly understand now and I gladly accept that I’m someone who can never fully trust other people. I thought in the end, I can only trust in myself and myself alone. but now...I’m screwed. I’m stressed. I’m tired, frustrated and I’m depressed and now that I’m out of options, I have no one to go to. because of my lack of trust, I have never spilled my guts to anyone. ANYONE. not even my mom. hell, I even dare to say that my buddies over here know me much more than my mother ever could and even they don’t know as much what the hell is going on in the head of this distressed mcp. I guess it’s too late to change anything right now. even if I could, part of me, my pride still doesn’t allow me to succumb to defeat and rely on others for solace and compassion. I’m a man dammit!! why can’t I solve this on my own??!!
I took a walk, a really long one that is, after our MSA’s annual dinner a few nights back. though it seemed tempting that the girls offered me a ride (a car full-packed w/ females and me being the only guy?) but I had to decline. it was something I had to do. on my own. it was past 10 pm and I was wandering aimlessly around the campus. I needed some time to cool off. some time to reorganize my thoughts. some time to find an answer that I have been desperately seeking. and under the blanket of a seemingly eternal darkness, as the bright, glaring circle of the moon shines high above me, I trudge along the sidewalks of Bloomington, searching, thinking…trying to grasp some sort of solution in the shadows. I was aimless. hopeless. I thought that I had no sense of direction in my life anymore. and then I paused for awhile several times and stared at the starry sky. my mind was immediately filled with thoughts of my family. I, the first one to actually score the UPSR, the first one to score the PMR, the first one to score the SPM and the only one to study overseas…they sure have really high hopes for me. and I’m scared...I don’t know if I’m still up to it... I don’t know if could go on...and what if I fail? what will become of me? wouldn’t I crush the many hopes that some people might have in me? would I become the laughing stock of many? someone to be pitied? sympathized? NO!! it can’t be!!! there are so many expectations from me. so much pressure. but as a man, I still cannot give in!! I refuse to acknowledge defeat!! I refuse to be pitied and sympathized!! my pride is begging for me to continue even though it already seems that it’s going to be a hopeless fight for me. so what do I do now? for the time being, I can only hope to try and find some peace and if possible, a way to get myself out of this shithole. maybe, somehow I’ll be able to recognize and confront my inner demons. maybe there is still hope. something. someone. I don’t know. until then, I can only hope for the best and trust in myself...
