It’s been almost a week since the Midwest Games 2004 in Minnesota ended. it’s basically an annual sports event where M’sians gather around at one hosting university and participate in various sports ‘in the sheer spirit of Malaysian sportsmanship and competitiveness’ (okay, okay... that last part was some bullshit that I made up, so sue me). anyway, I didn’t go to the Midwest this year because I had other, more important priorities (actually I went fishing again with the guys and I caught an uber huge catfish this time--view the fish here), but from what I’ve heard, the whole thing didn’t turn out so bad after all. I also heard that although the girls’ basketball team got trashed pretty badly, the women’s badminton team (doubles) however, won silver medals (my congratulations to the players).
frankly speaking, I think women’s sports is a joke. no wait, I meant that in a positive way. positive in a sense that they’re incredibly entertaining, albeit in a funny way that is. I mean, where and when other than the Midwest do you actually get to watch the ultra-violent (and not to mention hilarious) antics of M’sian girls just plainly beating the hell out of each other in the court, while desperately trying to shoot a ball or two in a game of basketball? a friend of mine who once refereed a women’s basketball game told me that he gave up being concerned abt the rules because the girls were blatantly breaking them every single minute. once, during a women’s basketball game at last year’s Midwest, some of the girls nearly collided into me while I was sitting near the far corner of the court. I was sitting at the far corner for cryin’ out loud!!! while I’m not too sure whether they did it on purpose or not (most girls in the ATU community have some sort of grudge against me, so there was a possible motive to squash me right there and then) but shit...you have to admit that kind of violence is truly exclusive to women’s basketball at the Midwest Games. it’s definitely something you won’t get on ESPN.
I dunno if it’s just me, but I find it hard to watch any type of sports which involve women seriously. every time I see the girls playing soccer, I swear I feel like dying from the continuous laughing. I know it’s not exactly ‘nice’ to laugh at the girls esp when they’re trying their best playing the game but: a) how can one possibly not burst into laughter when the girls look like dancing ballerinas trying to kick the ball in a soccer match? and b) I was never a nice person, and since I’m an mcp, that makes it all more justifiable for me to make fun of women every time I get the chance.
maybe I’m just being too harsh on women. surely, one cannot expect the same kind of thrill of men’s sports from watching women’s. that’s like expecting the same adrenaline-pumping action from the Rambo movies when you watch the G.I Joe cartoons. still, I’ll give credit to some of the girls who can actually play considerably rough or dare I say equally well, like us guys. now I’m not gonna go as far as to say that women’s sports is a mockery of every guy’s favorite game...but I’ve always wondered why I can never seem to experience the same enjoyment like when the Indiana Colts score a touchdown if I’m watching the girls play hockey or volleyball. do women play sports just to be the laughing stock of men? I don’t suppose so. but from the way how they play the game with all of that flustered facial expressions...man...you really have to wonder if the girls are intentionally trying to kill you with the constant laughing.
I’ll admit, some of the women’s sports are quite enjoyable and fun to watch, but again, it’s not exactly the same excitement like watching the NBA playoffs or the English Premier League. take gymnastics for instance. that’s something I truly believe should be reserved for women only. male gymnasts are just...gay. they should be banished to some hell-hole like Australia for disgracing their male brethren by joining gymnastics. anyway, I remember how the guys and I would rush to the tv to watch the 1998 Commonwealth Games’ Women’s Rhythmic Gymnastics event back in high school. but let’s face it, I bet more than half of the guys who watch the women’s gymnastic events were probably more interested in seeing the nice, well-rounded tushes of the chicks jumping about rather than enjoy the great display of sportsmanship (if there is such a thing as sportsmanship in gymnastics to begin with) by the performers. hell, come to think of it, now I’m not even sure if we can call gymnastics a sport or not. since the reason why most guys watch it is not much different than the reason why men go to strip clubs, maybe they should change the name to something more appropriate. I don’t know....how does “nice girls-with-cute-behinds-but-flat-chests-jumping-about” sound?
perhaps it’s abt time we guys take women’s sports seriously. and to do just that, maybe we should have better, women-only sport events which men can truly enjoy. and IMHO, we should have a women’s catfight championship tournament. it’ll be the girls in their PMS mode 24/7, duking it out against each other in a ring, clawing, slapping and ripping hairs in pure display of total bitchiness. it’s gonna be so violent, it could even make the UFC seem like a show where bunnies dance around in lush green meadows and the birds happily singing high above. and to make it all more exciting, each ‘catfighter’ will have their own unique and crowd-pleasing finishing move, ala WWE style. some of the jaw-dropping moves include:
-The Ultimate Bitch Slap: unlike your standard slap to the cheek, this is actually that incredibly powerful smack that perverted guys get when girls catch them fondling their breasts/asses on the bus. in fact, it’s so “whore-iffying” it could leave any victim of the slap with a disfigured face and the complete loss of dignity for the rest of his/her life.
-Death Grip of Doom: having experienced this move personally several times, it is definitely the perfect finishing move for any ‘catfighter’ out there. using the exact, powerful hand grip when women give birth, the ‘catfighter’ will literally choke her victim to a catatonic state like Darth Vader and for an additional effect, she could always have her long-sharp nails to perhaps puncture a few holes in the neck and squeeze out blood from the jugular veins while her victim experiences a sudden change of seeing the world in various shades of blue before completely passing out. nasty isn’t it?
-The Nipple Cripple: also known as “the tit-twister”, this is another wicked move that could leave one scarred forever. a bastard friend of mine once did this to me, pinching that dark area on my chest and then turning/twisting it like some doorknob. it was so devastatingly painful it left me with a reddish-purple areola and a swollen nipple for several days (again, to this day I can never understand why men have nipples).
well those are my own ideas of an ideally entertaining women’s sport event. I know it’s only something I could only wish for but who cares anyway? besides, I always have next year’s Midwest Games to look forward to. now leave me alone damnit.
