And so they left. now that both Syah & Epul are finally gone, the number of men left in IU is 8. well 9 actually if you count my roommate Ikram but he’s currently relaxing back in Malaysia. there’s Abg.Khidir and his family, but he is expected to leave at the end of the year or next year the latest. there’s also Aziz, a former student staying nearby who visits me from time to time. still... with Ikram absent, my other roommate Yazmy spending most of his time with his gf and just yesterday my gaming partner Epul gone, I’m practically alone now...
most of the girls have gone back home a few weeks ago. there’s Nublie, but he spends most of the time with Yazmeen now, since she moved from Seattle just to be with him early this year. he goes to classes in the morning and then works in the afternoon till close to midnight so it’s kinda hard to hang out with him nowadays. nevertheless, I am appreciative of his efforts to come over to my apartment in the wee hours of the morning just to play a game of Yu-gi-oh! with me. Jimmy went to attend an Islamic Summer Camp in Pennsylvania for the weekend with Mazri (aka Pitek), Hana and Ajeep. as for Bepa...well, he’s been busy taking the I-CORE subjects in the summer but he’s also pretty much in the same situation like myself except that he now has several pussies...err.. I mean kittens, to accompany him. anyway, I never thought Bloomington would feel so quiet...it’s so...empty...
actually, I could’ve joined Jimmy and the others to the summer camp on Friday, but since Epul was leaving the day after, I thought that maybe I’d help him with his stuff before he left. Epul has helped me a lot with my web programming last Spring and he’s also a great gaming partner so I thought I could at least repay the debt by helping him out a bit. we went out to the movies last Wednesday to watch Spiderman 2 and man...it was awesome!!!! Doc Ock has got to be the coolest super villain to ever hit the silver screen. those metallic tentacles kick ass!!! if only I had those tentacles....*imagines a scene from a Japanese hentai flick*...anyhow, since Epul is around no more, I guess I’ll be spending the rest of the summer with no one to talk to. returning from class, walking under the scorching sun only to be greeted by no one at the apartment..., life is sure gonna be boring...
I don’t know why, but it seems that a lot of ppl have gone back home this year. at first, I thought it was only the girls over here, but apparently many of my buddies left the States to go back too. then I thought maybe only those from my batch went home because it’s been like two years since they left the country. I also heard abt MARA-sponsored students having to attend the bloody BTN camp again this year. okay, perhaps those are valid explanations for the “mass migration to Malaysia”, but it turns out a majority of Malaysian students all over the US have gone back for the summer. and just when I thought this was some kind of phenomenon affecting only those studying in the States, apparently almost all of my other friends studying in other countries have gone back as well. what the hell!!?? why did everyone go back?? is it some kind of “Go Back Home” season that I’m unaware of?
many have asked if I’m ever going back to Malaysia for the hols during my 4 year-stay over here. the answer is simply NO. it’s actually a complicated story, but the day I left our beloved homeland, I vowed not to return until I’m done with my studies (well, except for maybe dire emergency cases). I’ll admit that I do miss some people back home and my hometown in Kajang, but the thought of actually returning to my family doesn’t seem too appealing to me. don’t get me wrong, I really love my parents and I do miss them. in fact, I do feel guilty when I made them sad by declaring that I won’t be returning in these four years. worse still, nowadays I only call them once every 2 or 3 months. yeah, call me an ungrateful child or whatever you want, but the real reason why I decided not to go back is because of my siblings back home. it’s not that I really hate them or anything...it’s just that... I truly can’t stand them...technically, it’s not entirely their fault or anyone’s fault for that matter, but over the years, many things have happened between us, and the day I got the offer to study here, I immediately realized that it was my ticket to break myself away from them for awhile.
I guess it all started 9 years ago, when my grandfather from my mother’s side passed away. my mom was very upset because she never actually got to spend the last remaining moments with my grand pappy. around that time, my old man just retired from UKM but since the govt. needed staff for the then-to-be-established UMS (Univ. Malaysia Sabah), he was offered to work under a contract as a dean at the new IPT. consequently, in an effort to perhaps cheer her up, my dad told my mom that they were temporarily moving to Kota Kinabalu, my mom’s hometown, renting a house not far from my grandparents’ place. and so, after they moved to Sabah, life in our family would never be the same. while my youngest sis followed my parents to K.Kinabalu, I was in Seremban, studying, with my bro in Victoria Inst., my eldest sister in KL’s Akademi Seni Kebangsaan and my second elder sister in UPM. during the later half of my high school years, my eldest moved in with my parents to do a degree in music at UMS, my second sis graduated and was working at TGV (don’t ask me how an English major could end up working at a popcorn stand), my bro in UiTM Shah Alam and my youngest sis in MRSM Kuching, Sarawak. in short, we were scattered everywhere.
I guess it’s kinda sad growing up in my teen years, only meeting my parents during long school breaks. my dad does come home once or twice every month to attend meetings in KL and he does make the effort to spend some time with us by taking us out to dinner and maybe lunch, but it feels different when you only get to see your dad for a short while and then having to wait for another month or so to see him again. I remember going back to Kajang in my early high school years only to have nobody at home most of the time. hell, one of the reasons why I’ve managed to sharpen my cooking skills is because back then, I had no choice but to cook for myself as no one was around to do it for me. at the age of 14, I was already managing the house, doing the laundry, gardening and taking care of everything all by myself. yeah, I was alone most of the time. too bored with the absence of everyone at the house, I then decided not to go back at all except for school breaks. ever since, I never had problem with home sickness because the house was just not exactly “home”, you know what I mean?
and then, every once in awhile I do meet up with my other siblings at the house. but perhaps, because our parents were not around, we end up pissing off each other like hell almost all the time. sure, everyone knows sibling fights are only normal, but I bet none of them are horribly as violent as the ones in my house, especially with the absence of a “mediator” like my mom. I have never gotten myself involved in fist-fights before, even in school, but back home...it was worse than the Jerry Springer show. I’ve bled after being thrown a belt buckle on my forehead and smashed on the skull with a ceramic mug, and guess where I got all of those injuries from? heh. in my high school years, there hasn’t been a single time where I got to spend the hols with my siblings without a fight. it was always one day with my brother and the other with one of my elder sisters. school breaks seemed like hell for me. eventually, I grew tired of this and I was always coming up with excuses not to return home. once, in 2000, I even spent almost the entire week of the mid-year semester break at school, alone, just to spend less time back with the others in Kajang.
yeah, I have a pretty messed up life. over the years, the constant quarrels and fights made me even more distant than the others. I became less trustful because I knew, somehow or rather I’d end up arguing with one of them. and like I said, I don’t blame them entirely because some things just happen. despite the years of misery with them, I still respect them as my elders and I also know how much they care for me and how they’re really proud of their younger brother, who managed to achieve many things only they could dream of. but knowing that I would return to a place “not quite home”, and eventually arguing/fighting with them again, I thought maybe I’d take a break for the next few years and not come back. besides, even if I wanted to return, the only one around would be my second elder sister, since she now works at a bank and takes care of the house in Kajang. my bro finally completed his diploma and I have no fucking idea what he’s doing now, my eldest sister is doing an internship in KL and my youngest sis in UiTM Perak if I’m not mistaken. so what’s the use? if I remember correctly, back then, the only time all the 7 of us would be together as a whole family is only during the Hari Raya celebrations and even then, it’s only for a few days, or a week at most, that all of us wouldn’t be apart from one another. my return to Kajang would be no different than the years of staying at an almost empty house and with all of that bloody fights and beatings. so what’s the point?
by the time I’m done here and finally come home, my dad would prolly retire for good and then maybe my parents will move back to our permanent residence in Kajang. still... by then, I expect most of my siblings would have lives of their own and it would be a long time for the whole family to get together again. though I admit that a life constantly separated from your family is hard, after all these years I think I’ve already grown accustomed to it. before my dad started working at UMS, my mom never got many opportunities to see her parents after she got married. we did visit my grandfather a year before his death but that was that. I really felt sorry for her that she never got to be by his side during his final hours. and my dad…he’s always traveling from one place to another, from the frequent trips from Sabah and back again, the countless visits to Indonesia and the many countries he’s been to, all in the name of work. the guy’s a goddamn freakin’ workaholic, he rarely even has time to go back to Malacca to visit my grandma over there. coincidence? maybe it’s just me, but I believe that all of us in my family are somehow or rather leading a life that pretty much mirrors that of my parents.
I guess, in some ways you could say that I am envious of those who can go back to a place they can call “home”. a place where when you arrive, your parents and siblings can greet you. a place of security. a place you could always rely and go to in times of depression. a place where you don’t have to worry abt only meeting the ones you care once or twice a year. for me, I thought Bloomington is now that place. but then, with everyone gone to meet their families or to be with their loved ones, I realize that I don’t really belong here. this is not my home. I too would be leaving IU someday…perhaps another 2 or 3 years… the clock is ticking and the time to bid farewell is not that far away. and no matter how much I’ve grown attached to this wonderful haven I would love to call my “home”, I am again forced to abandon it and continue a life forever wandering... roaming... meandering... a life as nomad, a traveler, a rurouni. I’ve always wondered how my dad could cope up with a life constantly away from his loved ones, a life without a place to stay for a long time... until I finally realized that I myself am becoming more and more like him. maybe this is something that was destined to be...
it’s close to midnight now. it’s the 4th of July. Independence Day. for me, it only means my eldest sis just turned 28. the black rainy sky outside is gleaming with colorful fireworks to indicate the major celebration. the apartment is empty and dark, save for the kitchen and my room. Yazmy is prolly w/ Wan downstairs, Nublie is still working at the food court with Yazmeen and Bepa prolly with the pussies...I mean kittens...all is quiet. I’m alone. it was the day Bloomington stood still. - posted by imcp
@ 10:30 PM
