"can't take my eyes off you" Frankie Valli (yeah, I'm going retro baby!)
Love. it’s that euphoric feeling which fills our hearts with joy and excitement when you know that someone special out there cares for you, and you in turn reciprocate that same affection. it is that strong bond between two souls which binds them to a seemingly eternal devotion and admiration for one another. an emotional attachment, borne naturally out of your unselfish great concern and mutual desire to provide warmth and tenderness to the ones you dear the most. perhaps it can even be considered as one of life’s greatest treasures….
It’s V-day, and as we all know, it’s that time of the year when couples everywhere celebrate their relationships by sending gifts and engage in romantic activities with the ones they’re most fond of. while I may have my own personal views regarding the celebration itself (see my previous entry ‘Valentine Schmalentine’), I find it amusing to observe how other ppl rejoice/vent their frustrations on Valentine’s and how they deal w/ this strange concept of love. hell, I even know a certain ‘polar bear’ who seems particularly bitter abt Valentine’s, for whatever reasons that may be (you know who you are. HAHAHAHAHA.).
contrary to what some of you dipshits might believe, I too wish that someday I’d be able to find that certain someone whom I can spend the rest of my life with. hey, I may be a misogynistic asshole, but I’m still a normal human being w/ wants and needs, just like everyone else damnit. the thing is, from the trend that I see nowadays, the romantic love scenario is surprisingly ridden w/ a shocking number of problems and complications, many resulting in break-ups and divorces (in the case of marriages). yeah, yeah…I can already imagine some of you parroting those clichéd notions that “love is a complicated thing; that sometimes couples have differences that can’t be sorted out, and being in love doesn’t guarantee you a future where both of you would be together”, but geez...you’d think that love would be more than just a superficial attraction based on looks or one night stands and pointless flings... and it’s even sadder when you know there are actually ppl out there who’ve already conformed to this idea that love is overrated and worthless because the men offer love for sex, while women offer sex for love. how fucked up is that?
I personally think that the present society that we live in, (in general) has a very skewed perspective of love. as proof, I’ve taken the liberty of providing some “examples” based on the testimonies of several ppl who confided in me abt their troubled relationships which (obviously) ended in break-ups:
DISCLAIMER: all names are not disclosed and specific details have been intentionally omitted to protect the identities of those in question. at the time of this writing, I was trying to recall to the best of my memory everything that was told to me, hence the testimonials may be a bit different than the actual confessions. these are their stories:
Case 1: Mr. L and Ms. Z are two ppl who’ve been together for quite awhile. frankly speaking, I was shocked at first when I found out that they’ve been dating each other because they both seemed like a mismatched pair. but as they say ‘Love is blind’, so I thought that wasn’t much of an issue. like any other normal couple, they’ve had their occasional ups and downs together, however as the relationship progressed, it became more and more apparent that Z was the one who played the more dominant role (a man being pussy-whipped by his woman? how embarrassing. then again, that’s not new nowadays). to me, it was already a sign that things would definitely not work so well for them. sure enough, they had their fights/disagreements, which eventually led to an extremely pissed L being pushed over the edge and deciding that he’s had enough. Z, expecting him to comfort her as always, was probably ‘surprised’ by this new stubbornness of her usually passive boyfriend and in the end, since neither wanted to budge and give in to the other, everything ended just like that.
Case 2: Ms. D has known this fella (whom we shall just call ‘J’, for jackass) for quite a number of years before they finally got together. it eventually became a long-distance relationship, and although they seemed to be pretty much in love w/ one other (having shared some...uhhh...”intimate moments” and all that shit), you know things aren’t going so well, esp when you have a boyfriend who tells his significant other he’s been screwing around w/ other women and then simply tells her that “he misses her”. the sad part is that she actually put up w/ him for a long time, until it finally sunk into that thick skull of hers that the asshole was just not worth it.
Case 3: M is a good buddy of mine, who I honestly think is a pretty nice guy (although, sometimes he can be a bit insane like me). so he was telling me abt how he got involved w/ this girl (typical scenario where good friends become lovers after numerous flirting sessions) and everything seemed fine and dandy. but it all changed when she returned from this trip overseas. he began to notice that she wasn’t as affectionate like she used to be, and then one day, he caught her going out w/ another guy. after a confrontation, they agreed to resolve by ending the relationship because according to her, “she wasn’t looking for a serious long-term commitment” just yet. but the real kicker was when he found out that she immediately got hooked up w/ a guy after the break up. and worse still, the poor-excuse- of-a-whorebag actually had the audacity to ask M if they could remain friends, just like the good old days, as if nothing ever happened.
Case 4: at the time when I was talking to N, she told me that her long-distance relationship was already on the rocks. she said that part of the problem was that her then-boyfriend had trust issues and was afraid that she’d wind up w/ another guy. apparently, despite the frequent reassurances and phone calls, he still doubted whether she actually loved him or not (talk abt major paranoia eh?). so I offered her my 2 cents and told her that even though the guy may seem like an overly-insecure freak, she has to understand that men are naturally worried because they know that in today’s age, their girlfriends just might easily leave them at any time. so she asked what she could do to remedy the situation and I just responded that maybe it had sth to do w/ the problem of miscommunication; and since she’s the one who knows him well, she’s also the only one who can relate to him and find the best means of sorting things out (hey, I can spot and analyze problems, but finding solutions isn’t exactly my forte). but alas, all was too little too late and sometime later I heard they eventually broke up.
now I’m not trying to embarrass/humiliate these ppl by revealing details surrounding their private lives, and I know perfectly well that these testimonies could only tantamount as a small sample of anecdotal evidence (which shouldn’t be used as proof for my claims), but the point I’m trying to illustrate here is that these things actually happen in real life, and I’m not surprised if there are similar (if not exactly the same) scenarios like these experienced by others out there. seriously speaking, were any of those break-ups even necessary? and even if they were, what exactly went wrong?
yes, I’m well aware that the confessions might be biased (since they only provide one person’s perspective of the situation) but you hafta admit that the aforementioned stories must at least have some truth to them (although to what degrees, is certainly arguable). I also know that exaggerations, stretching of truths and half-truths might be involved and even if the ppl did leave out certain aspects of their stories (this implying that the stories are in fact incomplete and the validity of each confession is open to debate), chances are, the real truth is more likely to be uglier than the sugar-coated version I’ve heard.
in my 21 years of life, I’ve had countless discussions, talks and chit-chats w/ guys (and gals), theorizing and observing other ppl’s relationships and conducting interviews to learn and understand better abt this strange phenomena we simply call ‘love’. one of the more interesting theories that I (jokingly) came up w/, is that men seem to expand their sizes horizontally (well, relative to their average body weight/size that is) whenever they become seriously involved w/ a girl. now I don’t think it’s true, but so far most of the guys here at IU seem to fit in the description of my hypothesis perfectly well (coincidence? I dunno. I’ll you let you Bloomington girls decide). but I digress. one of the real reasons why I’m so enthusiastic abt this particular matter is because I’ve always wondered why do ppl who’re in love end up in unnecessary conflicts which could only end w/ one or more person being heartbroken and hurt? the keyword here is ‘unnecessary’, because these conflicts could be avoided, or at least learnt so that they are less likely to reoccur in the future. so it all boils down back to the very basic questions: what is love? what do we really know abt it anyway? what can we do to actually understand abt it, so that we could at least avoid committing stupid mistakes when we’ve fallen for someone?
I’ve asked several girls to provide me some insight and female perspective on the issue, and some of them responded that love is basically abt meeting someone who could make you feel “whole” <--could it be any more vague than this? I suppose, what they’re trying to allude is that love is abt meeting someone who can compliment your existence. your soul mate. you know, that special person girls usually refer as “the one” (the only thing I could imagine whenever someone says “the one” is that lame jet li film where he fights multiple versions of himself). but that raises another question, how the hell do you know if the person you’re in love w/ is “the one”? more importantly, how do you even know whether that strong feeling you have for that certain someone is actually love?
I myself, have never fallen in love. I’d be lying if I said I’ve never been attracted to any girl I’ve met or that I’ve never had any crushes, but true, genuine love? I don’t think so. my reasons are simple. have any of you even actually bothered to think that maybe, just maybe…the reason you were attracted to a person was solely because of his/her appearance? is it not possible that the real reason you’re looking for a romantic relationship is because you’re so desperate for intimacy? or maybe because of peer pressure? because everyone has a special someone to be with and you don’t? now I don’t know abt you, but every time I suspect that my strong emotions for someone could be based on any of the aforementioned reasons, I know for sure that I’m probably falling in love for all the wrong reasons. some ppl might say, they’re in love w/ someone because of his/her personality. pfft. unless you actually live and hang out w/ a person (just like the way you spend your time with a close family member or a roommate), you don’t know shit abt a person’s personality. for all we know, that charming side you seem to be so attracted to is nothing more than a facade; a fake, empty appearance which hides a person’s true, disgusting self. kinda like that fake-looking, ugly thing Donald Trump calls his ‘hair’ on top of his head.
I’ve actually read some of those stupid articles supposedly explaining ‘how to tell if you’re in love’, and one interesting theory that caught my attention was: “you’re in love w/ a person if you suddenly act so cruel around him/her”. wow. just wow. I know it’s trying to suggest some kind of love-hate relationship going on, but based on that reasoning alone, that would mean I’m in love w/ abt 90% of all the girls I’ve met in my entire life (don’t take my word for every statistical data I mention. 8 out of 10 of them are probably made up, just like this one). another would be: “you’re in love w/ a person if you both have a special chemistry together”. wow, a very clear & convincing explanation indeed. I mean, what constitutes as ‘chemistry’ anyways? is it that strange excitement you get when you engage in a witty banter w/ someone from the opposite sex? because if it is, then that would pretty much mean I’m head over heels for more than half of the girls I know.
the point I’m trying to make here is that most ppl usually want to engage in relationships without ever realizing that they might be falling in love because of superficial reasons. I say superficial because they could explain why most relationships we see today don’t usually work. don’t believe me? to those w/ more than 3 failed previous relationships, ask yourselves, how did any of you fall in love anyways? why didn’t the relationship work out as expected? oh, is it because you realize that both of you are not compatible w/ each other you say? well how is compatibility an issue to begin w/, if your initial attraction to him/her was based solely on his/her looks? why even talk abt compatibility if in the beginning, the reason why you got hooked to him/her was because you were so desperate for intimacy, you were willing to bag just abt anybody that seems to suit you at the first instance? perhaps, this also explains why the SPG (Sarong Party Girl) mentality even exists. to the uninformed, a Sarong Party Girl is a gwailo-dating southeast asian chick who loves Caucasian men based solely on the reasons that they’re rich, fair-skinned, good-looking (read: well-endowed) and perform great in bed. now how shallow is that?
in the last 2 years, I’ve been fortunate enough to be able to read numerous works of literature that are (coincidently) related to love. in Mariama Bâ’s So Long a Letter, the main character’s grandma once told her that “a woman should marry a man who loves her more than she loves him”. I guess what she’s trying to suggest is that a woman is probably better off w/ a man who has an unparalleled devotion for her, since he’s less likely to leave or betray her (this also implying that most men can’t be trusted). in Alex Haley’s autobiography of Malcolm X, the fiery African-American civil rights activist once mentioned that he doesn’t trust women at all. in fact he says that he doesn’t even fully trust his own wife. maybe, from all the hardships that he’s gone through, the black dude has seen and understood quite well how vicious and cunning the female sex could be, and I couldn’t agree more w/ him. trust me when I say that anyone who thinks a woman can't have burning cold eyes and a capacity for unimaginable evil is in for a hard lesson in the near future. in any case, this brings me to my next point, which is the issue of trust in relationships.
in the case of men, it’s esp hard for a girl to trust her man when he’s always being flirtatious and eyeing the butts of other women when you both go out. I dunno, maybe it’s just that guys are so easily attracted to beautiful things that have aesthetic values (e.g. nice, firm boobs and curvaceous legs) hence the natural tendency to automatically ogle at other women. perhaps, the best thing a girl could do is to find out what was the real reason a guy got interested in you in the first place, because if it was based solely of your looks, you have a pretty safe bet that he might be looking for other, more attractive women once he’s done w/ you (in marriages, this might even lead to affairs). again, this is another proof why the reason for being in love is an important aspect in determining whether you could have a successful relationship or not.
as for women, I used to think that they’re much more trustworthy than men. but that’s not the real case now is it? the reason why some men seem insecure and don’t exactly trust the opposite sex is because most women suffer from this condition I could only describe as ‘The Madame Bovary Syndrome’. being the natural dreamers and romanticists, women nowadays have these unattainable fantasies, dreams and romantic ideals. not to say that’s wrong, but the problem is when their chase for these romantic illusions lead them into being highly susceptible even to slightest charms and flirtations of another man. a perfect example would be a married woman w/ 3 kids, who has a loving and caring husband, a great house and a perfect life. surprisingly, she decides that she would rather indulge herself w/ a lover, who guarantees her no future and security whatsoever, except a supposed undying, and romantic love which is similar to her fantasies. sounds far-fetched? not really, because that example itself was based on an actual real-life case.
sometimes I can never understand why some women are never satisfied w/ what they have. some might say that they feel neglected by their boyfriends/husbands. that their perfect and happy lives are dull, mundane and boring. they want some excitement, they say. sth like in their dreams and fantasies. well wake up from that stupid imagination of yours sister. face the facts that you aren’t living in a world where ppl would suddenly burst into a dance when your significant other is trying to woo you like in the Hindi films. no, you’re not some newspaper columnist living in New York leading an adventurous romantic life w/ your 3 aging, slutty friends. so instead of complaining that your relationship is boring/dull/mundane, why don’t YOU make an effort to change it w/ your spouse instead?
proponents of feminism might argue that a commitment in relationship (esp a major one like marriage), usually results in a woman’s freedom being stripped away from her. you’ve heard it all. “a married woman doesn’t get opportunities to do a lot of stuff”,"she just spends most of her time at the home”, “women have dreams too and a major commitment would only mean that those dreams will never be realized”. oh please, spare me. do you think the average man enjoys busting his ass from 9-5 in whatever means necessary to earn a living for the family? do you think a man wouldn’t miss a chance to just sit back and relax, doing absolutely nothing but eat and watch sports on tv? do you think your boyfriend, doesn’t have anything better to do other than listen to your daily rants and bitching abt how this girl you know is talking behind you? gee, and I thought a commitment was abt sacrifices and responsibility from both parties. just because you don’t see those sacrifices doesn’t mean they’re not there. for once, just try to imagine all the things your significant other has done just to be w/ you. I mean, he could’ve been w/ any other girl, but he chose to be w/ you, right? from an economics perspective, that requires opportunity cost you know? so how abt a little appreciation there?
personally, I’ve always thought this whole concept of ‘couplehood’ is flawed anyway. I mean, why bother prolonging your commitment to the person you love? just get married and get it over w/. sure, in this today’s age I can understand that ppl need some time to prepare themselves before tying the knot. it’s like a transitional phase where lovers try to get to know and appreciate one another better before finally settling down. what eludes from my understanding is that why do some couples drag their relationships far too long until it eventually ends in a horrible mess? why wait for 3 years or longer? if you love him/her so much, why can’t you trust your loved one to actually be your life partner?
for guys, I perfectly understand that financial security has always been quite an issue, esp when it comes to that point where you propose to your woman. unless you have a steady job (which pays good), a car and enough money to pay for that ridiculously expensive wedding reception, the only way guys could get married easily nowadays is if he studies overseas (and is able to somehow convince the girl’s parents), or if he elopes w/ her to a place like Vegas or Thailand. and as for the girls, the usual response I get is that “girls don’t want to be tied down to a marriage too early because they have many other things to do, places to go and dreams to achieve”. seriously, what are those ‘many other things to do’ specifically? oh, you mean like partying and clubbing all night long? wow. concrete excuses indeed. and if you have places to go and dreams to achieve, I always thought that it would be better if you could do it together w/ the one you care the most. I guess I’m just wrong, huh?
another issue I never seem to quite get is that, some couples always bitch abt not wanting to settle down just yet because “it’s too early for them”, and yet at the same time they kiss, caress, fondle, have sex and practically do every other thing that are usually reserved for married people? (this doesn’t apply to Americans since they’re so fucked up, marriage is only a matter of legal status involving each other’s rights rather than a true, actual commitment which requires responsibility). “what is so wrong w/ couples who just want to show some affection for each other?”. oh I don’t know....maybe the fact that the couples that I see are Muslims and the fact that the person you’re snuggling w/ is clearly a non-mahram. and even if you’re not a Muslim (or if you’re just a secular-minded person for that matter), trust me when I say that the whole world does not need to see your Frenching sessions or that spectacular, vomit-inducing grope-fest you call “cuddling”.
I suppose I’m not exactly exaggerating when I say that most couples today must’ve at least slept once w/ their lovers. and by ‘slept’, I mean sleeping; as in dozing off in one bed together while spooning/cuddling and not actually fucking each other’s brains out. then again, I’m a naïve person, so I might be wrong. some ppl I know even told me that “they’ve done everything except vaginal penetration”. pure exaggeration? you tell me. I’ve always wondered why couples nowadays don’t even have the slightest guilt when they’re involved in morally-questionable activities. even if you’re not a morally-conscious person, whatever happened to having a sense of decency, to yourself at least? is couplehood some sort of season pass that lets you engage in sexually-suggestive behaviors?
a nice pic of a bear giving a BJ to the other. change the bears w/ a scrawny mat rempit and a headscarf-wearing chick and you’ll get a perfect example of what couples do at Shah Alam’s Lake Gardens.
now I don’t consider myself a religious person, but there are some things that I wouldn’t dare to do. hey, I cuss & swear a lot, I’ve watched porn and I annoy ppl just for pleasure. in fact, I’ve even been to a strip club before (what can I say? curiosity got the better of me). surprisingly, I actually ended up wasting 5 bucks on an entrance fee and 3 freakin’ hours doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING at the strip bar (except maybe drink an over-priced glass of coke and trips to the bathroom every 15-20 minutes). all of those imaginations and sexual fantasies prior to my arrival just fizzled as I froze in my seat, not knowing what to do. an intense feeling of guilt suddenly overwhelmed me and it was then I realized that it was a big mistake for me to even be at that place. someone told me that the strange feeling of guilt might be because I was never the kind of person who would actually enjoy doing these things to begin with. I guess he was right. when it comes to the “real deal”, it’s just sth I couldn’t stomach myself doing.
now some of you might be thinking what a complete nerd I must be (or a pathetic, hypocritical loser even). but one thing for sure is that I know, I’ve tested myself in front of a group of topless women (who won’t even mind if there was some sort of physical contact of sexual nature), and yet I was still able to see that fine line that I could never cross. I mean, I seriously wonder if there are couples out there who actually face this same feeling of guilt whenever they ‘get physical’ w/ one another. I dunno. I guess I may be the only person who feels that way. hell, I’ve always felt uncomfortable whenever a girl extends her hand to me even for a simple handshake. once, I was utterly speechless when this girl I know suddenly came up and gave me a hug (we haven’t seen each other for a long time, but still). oh, and one time, a girl tried to check my temperature by putting her hand on my forehead (because I had fever) so I completely freaked out and dodged her immediately. talk abt awkward moments eh?
yeah, I do realize I sound kinda preachy on this particular subject, but maybe it’s just because I have such high standards and ideals of what should be called ‘true love’. personally, the perfect relationship I would have in mind would be one where both ppl really trust one another so much, empty phrases like “I love you” are not needed. kinda like what I share w/ my own old man, in the sense that both of us never even bother to mention that we love each other (as father and son of course) because the love goes without even saying. sure it may sound like taking a person’s feelings for granted, but if you truly love a person that much, you should already have a deep trust in him/her to know that the mutual affection is there. if you truly claim to love a person, you should already be able to appreciate even the smallest of things, down to the simplest of gestures like taking some of his/her own time off just to be w/ you. after all, they did say ‘actions speak louder than words’, am I not right?
as for me, yeah I have like 6 more years going on for that bet I made, but that doesn’t mean I’m not keeping my other options available. sure, I do intend to make the stakes higher and more difficult, but at the same time I’ve also pondered at the prospect of finding someone who’d actually be worth risking the bet and all of that trouble, you know, just for the sake of being w/ her. but then again, let’s be honest here. I’m chauvinistic, foul-mouthed, hyper-critical, lazy, unreasonably sarcastic and a lecherous pervert. hmmm...definitely not the best candidate to be considered as ‘boyfriend material’. oh and let’s not forget that the general impression I get from most girls is that they think I’m childish and immature, like 9-year old immature (though, I’ve always wondered how many of you girls could actually survive my ultra-sharp jabs without ever resorting to physical violence or breaking into a hissy fit. yeah, you girls are VERRRY mature alright). come to think of it, I bet most (if not some) of the girls I know are so negatively prejudiced towards me, they prolly wouldn’t hesitate to accuse me of attempting to anal-rape a 16 year-old schoolgirl, when in fact I’m actually performing the Heimlich maneuver to save her from choking to death.
a buddy once told me that I should change to make myself more “appealing” to the opposite sex but I just laughed at his suggestion. I mean, why should I even bother becoming someone I’m not, just for the sake of attracting women? unlike most ppl, I prefer to show my darker, and more messed up side and let them decide if they wanna hang out around me or not. I don’t like putting up appearances because I sure as hell don’t want myself to fall in love w/ someone, only to find out that she’s not exactly the person I first thought. I mean how would YOU feel if you later found out that sweet charming guy you’re dating is actually an abusive asshole who’s been screwing all of his girlfriends like shit and that the only reason he wants to be w/ you is because you just happen to be on his list? to me, an ideal partner would be someone who’s true and honest to herself no matter what. and even if she has a hard time accepting me, all I ask is for her tolerance to put up w/ my own inadequacies. hell, I wouldn’t even mind if she has to give me a smack on the head (or a nagging) whenever I get out of line.
"when the romantic expression 'can't take my eyes off you' goes horribly wrong"
now occasionally, there will be busybodies who try to scandalize me w/ some chick that I happen to be in contact w/. normally I’d usually ignore and perhaps say to myself that these ppl really need to get a life or sth, but there are times when I feel just plain annoyed, I then decide to play a prank on them instead. just a few weeks back, I grabbed a box of Valentine’s chocolates, claiming that it’s for myself. later, when the guys asked me to open the chocolates I said ‘No’ and gave some stupid excuse (because I wanted it for myself of course) and one guy immediately assumed that I was actually saving it for someone special (big mistake there. never make assumptions unless you actually know what’s going on). so I decided to play along and tried to make it seem more and more suspicious. I even hid the chocolates whenever they’re around to make it seem like I’ve either sent it away or preparing to wrap it for Valentine’s. yeah the chocolates are finished now, and unless they’re reading this, they don’t know I actually had a good time laughing at how they’ve been making a fool out of themselves. seriously speaking, how can ppl be so gullible to even jump to that kind of conclusion? maybe after this, I’ll go and start planning an elaborate prank for next year’s Valentine’s just out of spite. that’ll teach you asshats not to spread gossips and such loathsome propaganda abt me. I mean come on ppl. I’m the world’s most electrifying mcp for cryin’ out loud! even if I were interested in a girl, do you really think I’d be dumb enough to actually drop obvious clues/hints that might disclose the details of my love? unless you’re at the same wavelength as me (i.e. you actually spend some time learning the meaning of a person’s name so that you could convey your feelings for her through the use of subtle motifs and allusions in your essays) THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL I would reveal to any of you anything related to my personal life. not even for all the tea in China (and I’m a man who loves his tea).
yes, I realize that the realities of life are not like all of those utopian-like ideals I would want to imagine. but why can’t they be like so? I mean, does true love even exist anymore? did our parents even had to go through all of this shit that we’re facing today? so many questions and not a single answer I can come up w/. with so many complications just to find and get involved in the ideal relationship, I might as well get myself one of those Stepford Wives to make my life easier. and before any of you even start w/ that “dude, all these observing, discussing and theorizing shit are pointless because you actually have to BE in love and experience it yourself to actually understand it” speech, all I’m going to say in response to your expected bullshit is that a criminologist does not need to be a criminal himself to understand criminal behavior, just as I don’t need to fall in love to come up w/ my own opinions based on the things I’ve seen, and the stories I’ve heard. yeah, I guess love sucks and I have no choice but to stand by that assertion. it makes you wonder if Cupid is actually some drunken, winged-idiot who just fires his arrows randomly, causing us to fall in love w/ the wrong ppl or for the wrong reasons. that bastard.
