it was a beautiful sunny day at the lake. the mother duck has been sitting on her clutch of eggs for quite some time, and at last when the moment arrived, she was thrilled to see that they were finally hatching. all 8 ducklings came out, but to her surprise, there was still one egg remaining. a rather large one even. her webbed feet were already cramped from sitting for so long, but she decided to continue to sit on it anyways. eventually, it hatched and out came a weird looking duckling that was different from the others. and then..... ahhh screw it...
there's a new, uninvited guest at my apartment. no, I'm not talking abt ajis, he helps us w/ the cooking, so he's cool. I’m talking abt this walking piece of shit:
the culprit in question
so I was just sitting around the living room one summer night, catching an episode Mind of Mencia on Comedy Central while scratching my left nut, when out of nowhere, this yellow-feathered fiend just barged in through the door and suddenly proclaims that he wants to live here.
no knocks, no greetings and not even a hello. this complete stranger just waltzes into my home and suddenly decides that he wants to reside at my place? wtf!!?
I think he mentioned sth abt being too ugly to hang out w/ his buddies or some shit and that it's too hot for him outside, hence the need for a cool place for shelter. speaking of cool shelters, for some reason the apartment sometimes gets so cold that my nipples get hard. wait. why am I telling this to you ppl again?
so yeah, I don't take kindly to unwanted intrusions, but since I was in no mood for some ass kicking, I decided to let him hang around anyways. now as a general rule, Ikram and I try our best to accommodate all guests to our apartment as we can. but then, there are times when some retard suddenly decides to take the whole notion “make yourself at home” a lil' too seriously.
without the slightest hint of shame, ducky decides to help himself w/ my dinner. kinda reminds me of 'someone'
so I was watching Judge Judy the other day (I was bored) when our fat feathered 'friend' comes in and decides that he wants to watch tv too. snatching the remote from my hand, he changes the channel to Oprah. I told him that I was watching the other show and didn't appreciate him changing the channels (let alone forcing me to watch sth so offensive like Oprah), but he just turned his face at me and gave me the finger before telling me to fuck off.
later on, I was making my way to the bathroom for a shower this one morning when I was greeted by this:
I don’t even wanna know what he was doing in there
shocked, he starts swearing and cursing at me for the sudden intrusion, which I couldn't understand much anyways because it was more like a series of angry-sounding quacks (hey, I’m very accustomed to foul language, but not fowl language). it wasn't my fault the door wasn't locked. that stupid duck. now I’ve always believed myself to be a considerably patient man but this bird was really getting on my nerves.
one time, the duck really ticked me off when he interrupted me playing WWE: Smackdown! vs. RAW on the PS2, claiming that he had “a good dvd movie” he wanted to watch. curious, I agreed to stop playing to watch it myself. to my utter dismay, it turns out to be some sick gay porno featuring himself.
and I thought that Paris Hilton sex video was bad (*credits to syah and judd for the original image)
deciding that I will have none of this, I got up and told him to shut it off before heading towards the bathroom to take a leak.
the imcp looks mighty pissed. check out those angry-looking furrowed brows
he just looked back at me w/ those beady black eyes all confused when I told him I didn't want to watch the disturbing shit that he put on
when I got back, to my absolute horror, the fugly duckling was at it again.
hey, that’s MY Kit Kat!!!!
that was the last straw. wearing my jacket without permission while watching a tasteless porno flick was one thing, but YOU DO NOT STEAL ANOTHER MAN'S CHOCOLATE BAR you #@%$^$#!!!!! in a blind rage of fury, I decide to grab a kitchen knife before coming back to the living room. clearly, the duck has to go. besides, I've always wanted to know what Peking Roast Duck tastes like.
I don’t care if you’re a peace-loving hippie, some animal activist or even the PETA, because this duck was just asking to be murdered
to my surprise, the bastard was quick enough to avoid my stabs and quickly put me into a submission hold. either that, or he was actually trying to anal rape me
yeah, I hate ducks.
MORAL OF THE STORY: listen kids: there are absolutely no morals abt this story whatsoever. that stupid duck himself is immoral and should burn in hell.
on a side note, I decided to name him 'Bill' (because ducks have bills geddit?). that way I have an excuse to write my future exploits to kill him in a follow-up entry called Kill Bill. now all I need is to find a yellow jumpsuit and some katanas...
